Grieving Like a Man: Why Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

Let’s face it, society has gotten pretty stuck on the idea that everyone should deal with emotions the same way. Men often get labeled as “emotionally unavailable” when, in reality, they’re grieving or processing emotions in their own unique style.

In this episode of The Meaning of Men, I had an eye-opening chat with Tom Golden, an expert on men’s mental health and author of The Way Men Heal. Tom’s journey has been all about helping men—and those around them—understand that men process emotions differently. 

Tom’s work dives into these differences, focusing on how men use action instead of words to cope with loss or emotional struggles.. Ready to break the stereotypes? Let’s dive in.

1. Men Grieve Through Action, Not Words

When men face grief, they don’t always sit down to talk it out—they often get up and do something about it. Tom shared some fascinating insights from Indigenous cultures, where men honor the dead by building caskets, digging graves, or creating rituals. These tasks help them process grief in ways that feel natural and healing.

The takeaway? Men aren’t “bad” at grieving—they’re just different. Recognising and encouraging action-based ways of coping can make all the difference in supporting male mental health.

2. Men’s Silence Is Hardwired in their Biology

Why don’t men often talk about their feelings? Turns out, biology has a big say in it. Testosterone, the hormone most associated with men, is all about pushing for status and success. Being vulnerable or emotional can sometimes feel like a threat to that status, which is why men often hold back.

Tom explained how this goes way back to our hunter-gatherer days. Back then, showing too much emotion might have signaled weakness. Fast forward to today, and those instincts still linger—even if society expects men to be more open now.

The good news? Once men feel safe—like they won’t be judged or lose “status” for opening up—they’re much more likely to share. It’s all about creating that trust.

3. Admire Him, and He’ll Open Up

Want your husband, boyfriend, or male friend to open up? Here’s Tom’s tip: show him some genuine admiration. When men feel respected and appreciated, they’re way more likely to let their guard down.

Think about it. If you tell a guy, “You did an amazing job with that project,” he might blush and say, “Well, I could’ve done better,” but deep down, it means the world to him. That little boost reassures him he’s doing okay in the “hierarchy of life,” and it creates a safe space for him to talk about the deeper stuff.

Just make sure your compliments are sincere—men can spot fake flattery a mile away. The more you genuinely admire what he does well, the more he’ll trust you and feel comfortable opening up.

4. Men Process Emotions Shoulder to Shoulder

Here’s a pro tip from Tom: if you want to help a man process his emotions, don’t sit him down for a heart-to-heart. Instead, do something with him. Whether it’s going for a walk, fixing something around the house, or even just taking a drive, those shoulder-to-shoulder moments are when men are most likely to open up.

Tom shared a story about a mum whose son wasn’t crying after his dad passed away. She took Tom’s advice to play basketball with him, and sure enough, the emotions started to flow—just not in a tearful, verbal way. Through playing, the son shared memories of his dad and worked through his grief naturally.

It’s not about forcing a conversation. It’s about creating a space where emotions can come out in their own way and time.

5. Stories of Healing Through Action

One of the most powerful stories Tom shared was about Michael Jordan. After his father was tragically murdered, Jordan shocked the world by leaving basketball to play baseball. Most people thought he was nuts, but here’s the thing: his father had always dreamed of him playing baseball. By making the switch, Jordan was honouring his dad’s memory in a deeply personal way.

Throughout his baseball journey, Jordan stayed connected to his father. He’d talk to him in his mind during games, using the sport as a way to grieve and heal. It wasn’t about words—it was about action.

This story is a perfect example of how men often process emotions. They don’t always talk it out, but their actions speak volumes. Understanding this can help us support men better and appreciate their unique ways of healing.

Conclusion

Men process emotions differently, and that’s not a flaw—it’s just how they’re wired. Whether it’s grieving through action, feeling safe through admiration, or opening up during shared activities, the key is to understand and respect these differences.

By shifting how we view male mental health and creating environments where men can heal authentically, we can reduce the stigma around depression in men and build stronger, more supportive relationships.

Let’s celebrate these differences and work toward a world where men feel understood, valued, and heard.