Good Anger: How Rethinking Rage Can Change Our Lives.

Anger often gets a bad name—but what if it didn’t have to? What if anger, when understood and expressed well, could actually be good for us? That’s the central idea behind Sam Parker’s book Good Anger and the conversation we had about it. Anger, he says, isn’t the enemy. In fact, it’s one of our most important emotions—an internal signal that something isn’t right, a need is going unmet, or a boundary has been crossed. When handled with care, anger can become a powerful force for clarity, energy, and even connection. The problem is, most of us—especially men—have never been taught how to feel or express anger in a healthy way. Instead, we bottle it up, act it out, or confuse it with aggression. And that’s where the damage happens.

In this blog, we explore five big ideas from our chat on The Meaning of Men podcast with Sam that challenge what we think we know about anger, and how reframing it could unlock real progress in the way we approach men’s mental health.

The difference between anger and violence

One of the biggest misconceptions around anger is that it’s the same as violence. It’s not. Anger is an emotion; violence is a behaviour. And conflating the two is a huge part of why anger is so misunderstood—especially when it comes to men. When someone says “I’m angry,” we often assume they’re about to blow up or lash out. But actually, anger can be calm, focused, and even helpful. Sam makes the point that aggression is often what happens when we ignore anger—not when we engage with it properly. Aggression, shouting, and violence are actually a rejection of the emotional signal anger is giving us: that something needs our attention. When we treat anger like it’s dangerous by default, we shut down the conversation before it’s even started. If we want to promote better mental health awareness, especially around depression in men, we need to stop demonising anger and start listening to what it’s trying to say.

Suppressed anger feeds depression and anxiety

Many men don’t explode when they’re angry—they implode. Suppressed anger often shows up not as rage, but as anxiety, low self-worth, or that constant sense that something’s “off.” Sam talks about how, for years, he saw himself as someone who “wasn’t angry.” But the truth was, he was directing all that anger inward—and it was slowly crushing him. This kind of hidden anger can be a major factor in depression in men, especially those who tend to avoid conflict or try to keep the peace. The signs of male depression can include irritability, restlessness, or physical symptoms like teeth grinding and fatigue—all of which can be rooted in unexpressed anger. Left unacknowledged, it doesn’t go away—it just festers. But when men learn to identify and safely express anger, it can be a massive relief. Releasing that emotional pressure is a vital step toward real mental health—not just for men, but for anyone who’s spent a lifetime biting their tongue.

Good anger moves us forward

We all know what bad anger looks like—but what does good anger actually do? According to Sam, good anger helps us act in a way that’s fair, effective and proportionate. It might mean speaking up in a relationship, setting a boundary at work, or simply using that energy to go for a run or finish a project. Sam describes discovering this through boxing: after years of anxiety, it was the act of physically expressing anger that brought clarity and confidence back into his body. Good anger doesn’t mean storming off or shouting—it means facing what’s wrong, with purpose. It energises you. It clears the fog. It makes you feel like yourself again. Crucially, it helps you respond instead of react. For men, learning how to use anger without fearing it—or being shamed for it—can change everything. When we learn to handle anger well, it becomes less of a threat and more of an ally.

Relationships are where anger really shows up

Our romantic relationships are often where anger gets tested the most. We feel safest with our partners, which is exactly why they see our rawest emotions. Sam explains that the healthiest thing he and his partner have done is talk about anger before it flares up. He calls it an “anger chat”—an honest conversation when you're both calm, laying out your triggers and sensitivities. That way, when a disagreement happens, you already have a shared understanding. Sam also shares the idea of using a “discomfort caveat”—telling your partner you’re angry and might not explain yourself perfectly. It’s a way of staying honest without going on the attack. Anger in a relationship doesn’t have to be destructive—it can be a tool for growth, clarity and deeper connection. But only if we’re willing to listen to what it’s really about: usually a need, a wound, or a boundary that’s been pushed too far.

Men need more than just “talking”

It’s become a bit of a mantra: “men need to talk more.” And yes, they do—but not only. Sam makes the case that we need to broaden what we mean by emotional expression. For some men, talking is incredibly difficult. But movement, creativity, sport, and even DIY can be just as effective. The key is expressing what you feel, not bottling it up. Sam talks about a friend who deals with anger by fixing things in his garden. Another writes. Another runs. The point is, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. And we need to stop implying there is. Talking can help process emotions—but so can expressing them through action. For men dealing with mental health challenges, especially those struggling with signs of male depression, giving them a variety of tools—not just talk therapy—can make a world of difference. Because when we treat expression as more than just conversation, we open up a far bigger path to healing.

Summary

Anger isn’t the problem. How we handle it is. If we keep confusing anger with violence, we’ll keep silencing a vital part of the emotional spectrum—one that could actually help men feel better, live better and connect more deeply. As Sam says, anger is a self-loving emotion. It tells us we matter. It tells us something’s wrong. And if we can learn to hear it, rather than fear it, it might just be the key to unlocking better mental health—not just for men, but for everyone.